April 10, 2015
Well. It’s official. Baby Rangirl, you’re failing your father before you even hit 4 years of age. We give you a new room to make way for your baby bro:
(Courtesy of a coworker who feels there’s still hope amongst the Ranmans)
And what do you do?
You leave wads of toys on the floor like some 20 year old snob who won’t clean their IKEA-furnished apartment. I mean. You’re 3. You have a television. Cable. HBO. Access to Game of Thrones and House of Lies on demand.
I even let you get tattooed by the locals.
Yet you refuse to pick up your mess.
And AJ the Cat is all like:
Side note. The cat isn’t doing well, currently at the vet for over 4 days with pancreatic issues. See what happens when you don’t pick up your crap?
Ugh. Then you go and pick out a bear at Build-A-Bear. The perfect one. All by yourself. Batman and Yankees. And then I go and forgive you for being the douchehead that you are. You melt me.
March 3, 2015
The other day, I realized I love my kid. With proper form she delivered what I’m going to refer as “the phrase that pays”. I was talking to Mommy Ranman and Baby Rangirl interrupts me:
“Daddy, shut up.”
Precise. Posture. Pain in the ass. The 3 P’s to success were all there. For only being 3 years of age this kid is being a douchehead at a 5th grade level.
In addition, what does she do yesterday? She runs up to me. Puts her tiny butt on me. And says “daddy, I’m going to fart on you!” and delivers a little pop of wind on my leg.
I have no idea where this kid learned any of this. People would assume from me, but I tell the kid to shut her face and have yet to fart in front of anyone in our house (awake, at least) because I’m a lady.
But in 2 seconds I turned from proud-dad to get-outta-my-house dad. No, Baby Rangirl didn’t bring home any boys. She accidentally bounced a ball into a cup of pineapple juice which spilt on my iPhone. Even when I typed “spilt on my--” auto fill suggested “iphone“. It knew what would be the one reason I disown my child.
Strike 1, Baby Rangirl. You have 1.5 left.
Strike 0.5: Almost a strike- placing her toys in a “kissing” position. On purpose. No more Netflix programming around this kid.
February 8, 2015
Family, The Third Year
children, funny, humor, kids, parenting, Parents
Thank you random pack of Batman cards. Thanks to this freaky card, Baby Rangirl is terrified of going the night without brushing her teeth. We now keep it in the bathroom next to the decorative candles.
February 1, 2015
The Third Year
children, funny, humor, kids, parenting
At first I was like…
Then I remembered the first go at this…
…from dinosaur-sized snack…
…to donkey-girth hogger of bed space:
Ugh. Remember tummy time to prevent the kid from getting “flathead”?
And I guess I totally wasn’t accurate in my assumption that parenting was going to entirely suck, as would my kid.
Can’t help but quickly reflect…
The new growing pain lies ahead. The thing looks ready to pounce as is….