2 Much?

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It feels weird that there’s someone’s penis in me…

It’s a boy! Mommy Ranman currently carries your probably-already-annoying baby bro, Baby Rangirl. I’m sure as you read this, your eyes are rolled back into your head as we begin the retelling of a story you’ve already lived.

But I’m going to cite every fight. Every annoyance. Every time either of you piss me off so that when this blog is discovered, you and your bro will be reminded the trials and (errors) tribulations we’ve endured as parents. And mayhaps this will also serve as reason to put your mother and I in a nice retirement home which avoids the mortal enemies we’ve accumulated over the years from defending the actions of you two rugrats?

Yup, it’s a boy! He’s already playing with it already!

Great, this boy has no shame already in front of the doc and ladies. 

The other week we were hanging with your Irish side of the family (Happy St. Patrick’s Day!) in Connecticut while I got over some plague you passed onto me from daycare. How’d you help me recover from all the trips to the restroom during the night at the hotel?



By hogging the bed each and every time I got up. 



Oh, that’s memecat- are memes even a thing in the future Baby Rangirl? Well that’s our 8 year old A. J. the cat conveying my thoughts accurately at your inconsideration. 

I can’t even imagine what 2 kids in a hotel room would mean. You guys are sleeping with the janitor. 

The Strike System is Born

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The other day, I realized I love my kid. With proper form she delivered what I’m going to refer as “the phrase that pays”. I was talking to Mommy Ranman and Baby Rangirl interrupts me:

“Daddy, shut up.” 

Precise. Posture. Pain in the ass. The 3 P’s to success were all there. For only being 3 years of age this kid is being a douchehead at a 5th grade level. 

In addition, what does she do yesterday? She runs up to me. Puts her tiny butt on me. And says “daddy, I’m going to fart on you!” and delivers a little pop of wind on my leg. 

I have no idea where this kid learned any of this. People would assume from me, but I tell the kid to shut her face and have yet to fart in front of anyone in our house (awake, at least) because I’m a lady. 

But in 2 seconds I turned from proud-dad to get-outta-my-house dad. No, Baby Rangirl didn’t bring home any boys. She accidentally bounced a ball into a cup of pineapple juice which spilt on my iPhone. Even when I typed “spilt on my--” auto fill suggested “iphone“. It knew what would be the one reason I disown my child. 

Strike 1, Baby Rangirl. You have 1.5 left. 

Strike 0.5: Almost a strike- placing her toys in a “kissing” position. On purpose. No more Netflix programming around this kid. 



Oh I’ll Keep You In Check

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What the balls is this, Baby Rangirl?

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You come home from Preschool of all places with not one- but TWO Valentines?? David and Carlton? Clariol?Clarkkent? Well whoever that second kid is- they both have sent home a vday death wish/hit on their head.

And don’t start that whole “Daddy, they’re just friends” crap I see on the TVs and interwebs. I’ll revert to scaring you silly with the toy robot you’re so deathly afraid of. Oh yeah – you know the one. It kept you from climbing up the stairs for over a year now, all because it shoots and fires lasers. It’ll keep you from hanging with David and Coral. Here’s a recap:

“Daddy what’s that?”
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“Uh oh…”

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“Ok I’m so gone!”

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So yea. Lose the male friends. Fast.

Loneliest 9+ Months

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No, not because I gotta deal with morning sickness all over again by myself. I’m not lonely because it’s 1.5 parents raising Baby Rangirl while child #2 sucks the energy out of Mommy Ranman. Life isn’t an isolated one because I need to find my own meals with wife filling up on Doritos and pickles (the only thing she can stomach).

It’s just that. Well…

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This is the most sober I’ve been for weeks at a time. I’ll get buzzed off of a drunk person’s fart these days with ever-diminishing tolerance. I guess that makes for a great father to my little Rangirl while she’s the only child.

The Joker Teaches Oral Hygiene

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Thank you random pack of Batman cards. Thanks to this freaky card, Baby Rangirl is terrified of going the night without brushing her teeth. We now keep it in the bathroom next to the decorative candles.

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A Tiny Huge Mistake?

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So um…

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At first I was like…

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Then I remembered the first go at this…

…from dinosaur-sized snack…

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…to donkey-girth hogger of bed space:

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Ugh. Remember tummy time to prevent the kid from getting “flathead”?

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And I guess I totally wasn’t accurate in my assumption that parenting was going to entirely suck, as would my kid.

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Can’t help but quickly reflect…

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The new growing pain lies ahead. The thing looks ready to pounce as is….

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Timely Thursdays

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Remember when things like completing a report for school before its deadline or finally getting your car oil changed would be a badge of honor? May-haps a feeling of accomplishment in an otherwise unaccomplished world? Oh glory days, where have you gone? Where’s the emoji for “crap I have a kid”? 😢😢😢

Today it was up to me to feed cats which I had no say in getting (even though the second cat was post-marriage / post-fiancé-baggage, it was the result of the first cat’s depression. A recession cat, if you will), get Baby Rangirl ready, and take out the trash all before 7:15AM.

Getting Baby Rangirl outta bed is no easy task. She does not wake easily when you’re performing an awakening. I do some loud TV-blasting, stomping of my already-heavy feet, horrible singing…which all leads to negotiation when she finally does gather her bearings.

“I want to wear a princess dress. I want to wear a Batman shirt. I want to take my Lego toy to school. I want to watch the Lego movie. Other impossible things to do over the next 20 minutes.”

When I finally get her dressed? “5 more minutes, go away!”

The kid has no concept of time, so 5 minutes = the full length of a Nickelodeon show. Or 22 minutes. Steve can’t figure out Blue’s Clues quick enough. I’d solve it in the first guess, but noooo. We need 22 minutes which I can’t spare.

So to get all this done by 7:15AM? I did it. I was relieved. I win Thursday.

Rise and shine, yah sleepy head!!

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