March 3, 2015
The other day, I realized I love my kid. With proper form she delivered what I’m going to refer as “the phrase that pays”. I was talking to Mommy Ranman and Baby Rangirl interrupts me:
“Daddy, shut up.”
Precise. Posture. Pain in the ass. The 3 P’s to success were all there. For only being 3 years of age this kid is being a douchehead at a 5th grade level.
In addition, what does she do yesterday? She runs up to me. Puts her tiny butt on me. And says “daddy, I’m going to fart on you!” and delivers a little pop of wind on my leg.
I have no idea where this kid learned any of this. People would assume from me, but I tell the kid to shut her face and have yet to fart in front of anyone in our house (awake, at least) because I’m a lady.
But in 2 seconds I turned from proud-dad to get-outta-my-house dad. No, Baby Rangirl didn’t bring home any boys. She accidentally bounced a ball into a cup of pineapple juice which spilt on my iPhone. Even when I typed “spilt on my--” auto fill suggested “iphone“. It knew what would be the one reason I disown my child.
Strike 1, Baby Rangirl. You have 1.5 left.
Strike 0.5: Almost a strike- placing her toys in a “kissing” position. On purpose. No more Netflix programming around this kid.
February 8, 2015
Family, The Third Year
children, funny, humor, kids, parenting, Parents
Thank you random pack of Batman cards. Thanks to this freaky card, Baby Rangirl is terrified of going the night without brushing her teeth. We now keep it in the bathroom next to the decorative candles.
February 1, 2015
The Third Year
children, funny, humor, kids, parenting
At first I was like…
Then I remembered the first go at this…
…from dinosaur-sized snack…
…to donkey-girth hogger of bed space:
Ugh. Remember tummy time to prevent the kid from getting “flathead”?
And I guess I totally wasn’t accurate in my assumption that parenting was going to entirely suck, as would my kid.
Can’t help but quickly reflect…
The new growing pain lies ahead. The thing looks ready to pounce as is….
January 22, 2015
Family, The Third Year
children, comedy, funny, kids, parenting
Remember when things like completing a report for school before its deadline or finally getting your car oil changed would be a badge of honor? May-haps a feeling of accomplishment in an otherwise unaccomplished world? Oh glory days, where have you gone? Where’s the emoji for “crap I have a kid”? 😢😢😢
Today it was up to me to feed cats which I had no say in getting (even though the second cat was post-marriage / post-fiancé-baggage, it was the result of the first cat’s depression. A recession cat, if you will), get Baby Rangirl ready, and take out the trash all before 7:15AM.
Getting Baby Rangirl outta bed is no easy task. She does not wake easily when you’re performing an awakening. I do some loud TV-blasting, stomping of my already-heavy feet, horrible singing…which all leads to negotiation when she finally does gather her bearings.
“I want to wear a princess dress. I want to wear a Batman shirt. I want to take my Lego toy to school. I want to watch the Lego movie. Other impossible things to do over the next 20 minutes.”
When I finally get her dressed? “5 more minutes, go away!”
The kid has no concept of time, so 5 minutes = the full length of a Nickelodeon show. Or 22 minutes. Steve can’t figure out Blue’s Clues quick enough. I’d solve it in the first guess, but noooo. We need 22 minutes which I can’t spare.
So to get all this done by 7:15AM? I did it. I was relieved. I win Thursday.
Rise and shine, yah sleepy head!!