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This week your baby weighs a little over 4 pounds (heft a pineapple) and has passed the 17-inch mark. He’s rapidly losing that wrinkled, alien look and his skeleton is hardening.

Ok I’m not going to nitpick and ask “what’s a heft?” I know what a pineapple is and I’m assuming the “heft” indicates an entire pineapple as opposed to the chunks we’d lazily purchase in a can. I mean c’mon, who’s going to …skin?…an entire pineapple when the good folk at Dole understand I ain’t cutting anything unless it’s to open the top of a can. Sure, my parents must have had to do it back in their motherland, but the Ranman’s motherland is New York and that means I am far too lazy to peel an orange, let alone a heft a pineapple.

Okay, so as to not be completely lazy I googled what a heft a pineapple was. And 70% or so of the top results described the size of a baby at 33 weeks. So let’s continue to assume you’re the size of a pineapple, okay baby Rangirl? Maybe when modern technology advances I’ll be able to explain to you in 10-20 years what a heft a pineapple is.

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So mommy will be apologizing in advance for this tiny tidbit:

The pressure on the head during birth is so intense that many babies are born with a conehead-like appearance.

Just be sure to iron out that head when you’re birthed so that it doesn’t look like you’re walking around with a permanent dunce cap.

Your kicks are quite strong these days. Or punches. One can’t quite tell yet but I just can’t wait for you to drive some of those kicks my way outside the womb. After this week mommy has to go to the doctor every 2 weeks to check on your journey to coneheadedness.

I also found out that we won’t know the true color of your hair until 6+ months so once you’re here we’ll postpone any potential paternity tests. We might need a 6 month lead time anyways to get on the Maury Povich show.

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