I get that toys are made for the masses. Most of America itself isn’t urban. You gotta learn certain things:

-All the barn animals. But why? I would be heartbroken if our daughter’s first words were “baba” for sheep:


This thing also teaches monkeys. Monkeys? What about dogs, cats, rats, homeless crazies…the things I fully anticipate our daughter encountering here in New York City way before a barn animal.

This Old Man. Dude. In today’s times, I don’t want my daughter learning songs that praise some old man rolling home. No old men but myself are allowed in the house. Anyone rolling all the way home needs to be reported to the local authorities.

-I think I want to remove other songs from our baby’s current top 5 countdown in addition to This Old Man. That includes the “Saved by the Bell” dance competition song from the Casey Kasem episode, FrèrecJacques (I mean…French? Really? Kid needs to master Spanish at most New York), and any Bach. Bach, Beethoven, etc. for a kid isn’t going to help my kid spawn a taste for the arts when her father is busy making fun of them himself. Sorry Baby Rangirl, by the time you read this you’ll wonder why you lack an artistic side but yet crave more Beavis and Butthead over Symphony No. 9. Now you know.

I’ll definitely want to keep certain things. Remember the first you time you realized that Twinkle Twinkle Little Star and the ABC song were the sung to the same beat all in your own? It’s almost like you discovered a new planet in the sky- it was the biggest accomplishment to date. The song remains in rotation.

There are quite a few toys on the market for infants. Most look and do far have proven useless to us. But this ball of joy is helping our girl grasp the concept of…well…grasping: