Why are you sad, Daddy Ranman? I thought you enjoyed this time where you’re a new dad, superb husband, and an even better human being?

Sigh, I’m sorry for looking so down, Mr. Internal Voice. I guess, I’m just bummed?

Hogwash and poppy cocks, my dear Ranman!

“Poppy cocks?” Didn’t know that was even in your vocabulary of automated responses, but okay…

Is it the excessive day-to-day routine of waking up early to feed your little girl that upsets you? Perhaps a lack of sleep has bogged you down?

No. I’m pretty well-rested.

Hmm. Daddy Ranman, does the financial burden of kids worry you?

Nah, I’ll be poor for the rest of my life. I accepted these terms when realizing I like women that look good. A kid with Wal-mart clothes isn’t a bother.

Daddy Ranman, dude, is everything okay with Mommy Ranman? She packing on pounds despite your ultimatum?

Nope, I’d pillage her where she stands.

Then Daddy Ranman, I’m out of ideas. You’re a father now. You’re a provider for 2 people. Surely, something in there bothers you.

Yup. Sure does. This…father of a daughter thing….

Ahhh! No you’re opening up! Worried about her hating you when she starts rebelling? Concerned with the boys these days and how they are being raised to be savages? Perhaps the appeal of a kid to child predators out there?

Sigh, no. Worse. The other day we received a gift from someone in a gift bag. The bag was shiny. The bag was girly. The bag, it had glitter on it. If anyone out there knows me, they know I hate glitter. I avoid certain strip clubs because of all the lathering in glitter that goes on in there. When the glitter remained on my hand after disposing of the bag, the thought dawned on me.

For the rest of my fathering life…I will be entertaining glitter all because we had a girl. Hopefully only till she’s 15 or so. If it goes past that age I’ll start preparing for the announcement one day “dad, I’ve been stripping at Rick’s Cabaret for 5 years now…”