While we hold off any home renovations and purchasing new household items due to a potential move to Seattle, you are on a growing-up-like-whoa rampage Baby Rangirl. And I recently realized that this in the only written record of your existence. The digital pics and Facebook statuses will be there as long as MySpace doesn’t make a comeback (do they make jokes about MySpace and did I permanently delete my pimped out cheesy account in the future?), but the pics and their whimsical captions can never tell the horror story behind getting on that way-too-tight-but-need-a-pic-to-show-grandma-our-appreciation onesie.

So I defer to this blog in the event we shoot ourselves in the foot and have a second child. I need to tell Future Ranman the following as he reads this: Bro- did you make a whoopsie and have a second child? Did you do the typical thing and forget how at 11 months of age Baby Rangirl was teething and nothing would help her sleep through the night? I know, parents are boasting how their child slept with no issues and their second child was a breeze- but now look atcha. You’re rereading your own blog for tips on how to take care of your terrible second child.

And parents don’t know squat. Whatever works for them to soothe their kid is great. But do they have an Indian-Irish kid: I-square? Who knows if our kid is just too eager to build a civil war railroad system or fight off imperialism as opposed to eating her squash?

Well here’s the lowdown:

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It is super hard to get Baby Rangirl to pass out like that for hours or stay still for minutes. At 11 months she’s been teething and rarely sleeps through the night or sits for longer periods of time. And for some stupid reason we think bringing the kid into the bed at 4am will afford us at least 2 more hours before we have to start getting ready for work. WRONG. This kid has gorilla-like arms that come crashing down on my cranium with the net force of terminal velocity in its rawest form. I don’t really know what that means- but I do wake up with animal imprints across my face thanks to the ever-tossing Baby Rangirl who would make a great boxing champ if boxing is still a sport in the future.

But I digress. So far, here’s what parenting has been like and what’s been working/not working:

1) Patting or rocking the kid to sleep after a bath and a bottle. It worked better prior to teething, but it’s the routine we stuck with. And we don’t let her cry-it-out in hopes she’d cry herself to sleep. This kid is rocking side-to-side as she cries whenever she wakes up at night. It looks like she’s dancing to grunge music. Fitting if we do move to Seattle. The only noise on is the iPhone playing running water sounds over the radio in her room.

2) Real phones. Don’t give this kid a toy phone. Or anything that resembles a toy for that matter. She wants the real stuff. Pots. Spoons. iPads. People’s bottom lip to tug at. Clothes to take out of drawers. The cat.

3) Teething rings are cute but never last long enough at night anymore.

4) Stairs are her favorite. She hates staying still so she crawls at Mach speeds to the nearest set of steps. Usually it’s all while chasing the cat.

5) I’m not sure we are thrilled with a baby sitter. So future Ranman might want to consider alternative methods. Like exchange students. Maybe you can get an 18 year-old teen in exchange for your second-borne.

6) People are never short of opinions. They swear you’ll get fat and stressed out from being a parent. You’re doing fine so far with the first kid. Now that you have a second child, I can’t defend your dumb ass against these opinions.

Baby Rangirl, I don’t hate being a dad. It’s super fun. But my attention span to keep you entertained or calm or even asleep is minimal. So I’m exhausted.