No of course not, Baby Rangirl, you’re busy entertaining another ear infection. As Mommy Ranman described our Christmas trip to visit family in New Hampshire: worst. trip. ever. Maybe not “worst”, definitely exhausting.

You started crying nonstop with about half of the drive remaining from New York to the Shire. We had already stopped twice due to our brilliant idea to potty train. Baby Rangirl held that pee in like a champ while we walked around the mean streets of the Bronx looking for a restaurant with a trustworthy toilet. But man did we miss diapers.

After 6 hours of driving a typical 4-hour trip, we finally reached the hotel by 1AM and Baby Rangirl was still inconsolable. By 3AM, Mommy Ranman made the decision to take the visibly aching kid to an ER in Massachusetts. We figured the hills of Connecticut triggered another ear infection as the kid kept tugging on her hair. Off we went, with maybe 1 hour of sleep under our belt and everyone smelling like vomit.

Oh yes. Vomit. The Rangirl doesn’t know how to chillax so she cries so much that she barfs after a while. And since she doesn’t know how to be cool, the vomit goes err’where. Which reminds me, I either need to do a load of laundry or conduct a clothes burning ceremony ASAP.

The hospitals of Massachusetts seem to hate New Yorkers, so we didn’t see a doctor until 6:15AM. Baby Rangirl was already passed out in our arms by then and we were close to leaving having paid a $75 copay just to watch Married With Children on TBS. Finally someone came in confirming the ear infection and dispensed meds which made a huge difference in the kid’s mood for the rest of your our trip.

What made the trip worse, you ask? Baby Rangirl hadn’t pooped in 2 days. So when more crying resumed, it meant one of us hugging Baby Rangirl over the toilet bowl while she tried to pass boulders through those tiny intestines. She finally erupted before we left New Hampshire- and after all this I was the one who felt like I had taken the dump of all ages.

Santa hates us, or karma felt the need to take a leak on me for all I did to the kids in high school. Well played, you red-suited fat bastard or that slutty wench we call “karma”. Sounds like a stripper name. Karma.

Here’s Baby Rangirl’s Christmas week, warming up to Santa after a few tries.

A bit shy at brunch with Santa. Yes, we were one of those parents pushing the fat guy into her life. Mommy Ranman takes full responsibility for any future issues as a result:


Sitting with her cousins, Baby Rangirl is the one with the ear infection. Oh, still can’t tell because you don’t see in black-and-white, you modern day non-discriminatory person? Well, then she’s the one with the over-priced Ugg boots.


Learning to love Santa:


As with any tried-and-tested method, you bribe kids to earn their trust.


Baby Rangirl finds a dog her size:


Baby Rangirl wearing her gifted princess dress. And monster slippers, of course. Not sure what the thing on her head is supposed to be, but given her skin tone she looks like the maid: