4.5 years of parenting has been nothing but ensuring we hit milestones set forth by websites & judgemental parents; don’t lose a kid at the zoo; and constant feeding. We can’t do a full day away from home without scheduling/planning meals & naps well in advance. 

Oh, we also have to plan around the parents that’ll be around us daily. Bring enough warm clothes for the kids so that the old folk are satisfied. Pack fresh food for the kids to please ever-watching organic/gluten-free fanatics. And so on. Oh so much “and so on”. 

But I’ll take a moment to forget about being this parent-who-can’t-parent 24/7, and enjoy the little buggars for what they are:

1) Indentured Servants. As per 2000s pop star Rhianna said when you were young Baby Rangirl: Work. Work. Work. Dur. Dur. Dur. 

2) Awkward teenagers in the making. Real blondes are even more fun as per folklore, buddy…

…but till then, ride solo in the hottest car because she’ll hate any car you like as soon as you make her girlfriend/wifey. 

3) Younger millenials. Oh look- iPad! 

4) Little Snots. No really, these things are walking vessels for boogers, where we gotta maintain those little nostrils.  

5) Poor decision makers. Don’t want to wake up when daddy says so? I will bring the fire as I turn your toys against you. And also when you choose to watch crap like the Teletubbies.