Rip

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Listen Baby Rangirl. I want to consider you perfect. You’re the cutest thing on earth at five years old with your new glasses. This, after my fears of you being tortured by the kids at school- but I forgot that these little turds are still fine-tuning their insults. 

Also of note is the conversations you can keep. Thanks to pre-school, Spongebob, and other local experiences- you dazzle us with some new phrases everyday. It makes your attempts at the word “popsicle” seem less like a speech issue when you drop words like “chivalry” in proper context. 

But then you go ahead and do things like rip ass when I pick you up for a hug and crack yourself up. A steady rifle-sounding fart to my arm. Granted, I can be partially blamed for your interest in fart humor. I can’t help but laugh at the occasional blast. 

But there’s always a double standard as you’ll learn in society and the House of Ranman: we laugh at Mommy Ranman’s expense, not mine. Hopefully when you’re reading this we’ve come back from this betrayal. 

And if we’re still at war, I’ll leave you hanging when you need help. Like your brother who wouldn’t listen to me…and got stuck hanging over the tub:


And I won’t let you use MY mancave for your playground:


Things I do for you until that rip. 

Dadda 

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Yup. Seems Baby Ranboy has latched onto the word “dadda” amongst his unintelligible babbling. That makes 2 out of 2 kids that spoke my alias before “momma”. 

And it drives Mommy Ranman a bit crazy as “momma’s boy” syndrome has yet to set in. 

“Momma. Mom-ma!” cries Mommy Ranman in response to each of Baby Ranboy’s “Dadda”s. 

So I did the most supportive thing I could. I calmly logged into my Spotify music account and looked up a few helpful songs to play on our speakers:


“Oh come on!” I heard Mommy Ranman say from the living room. Words of encouragement, if you asked me. Great success. 

Here’s a bonus photo of Baby Rangirl longing for the days of babyhood:

Winding Down at 3

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You’re really a cute kid, Baby Rangirl. Really. Just…just lovely. 

Hourly visits to our bedside during the night isn’t creepy at all. Nor is it the leading cause for sleep deprivation in 2-out-4 adults in our household. You’re swell. 

And the constant interruptions during mommy and daddy’s conversations via knock-knock jokes? Especially ones you cutely botch at the punchline? Not a nuisance at all. 

But…just for poops-and-giggles: how about we have a look at this chart which sums up our current living situation, shall we? A mere look into where you stand at the age of 3:

  
Let’s see what 4 years of age brings in a couple of months. 

Now, some pictorial updates. 

Here’s you helping mommy blow out her own birthday cake…because you know. You’re the center of it all. As per Mommy Ranman, she’s still 29. Around the age when you can date, coincidentally. Note: the booze was not for you.  
And here you are, trying to eat your bro.  

 
And then there’s the time your baby bro protested that we weren’t feeding him enough:

  
Finally, the early stages of what now must be your dungeon—I mean my old mancave. Hope to have it toy-free as long as possible! 
  

The Joker Teaches Oral Hygiene

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Thank you random pack of Batman cards. Thanks to this freaky card, Baby Rangirl is terrified of going the night without brushing her teeth. We now keep it in the bathroom next to the decorative candles.

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Timely Thursdays

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Remember when things like completing a report for school before its deadline or finally getting your car oil changed would be a badge of honor? May-haps a feeling of accomplishment in an otherwise unaccomplished world? Oh glory days, where have you gone? Where’s the emoji for “crap I have a kid”? 😢😢😢

Today it was up to me to feed cats which I had no say in getting (even though the second cat was post-marriage / post-fiancé-baggage, it was the result of the first cat’s depression. A recession cat, if you will), get Baby Rangirl ready, and take out the trash all before 7:15AM.

Getting Baby Rangirl outta bed is no easy task. She does not wake easily when you’re performing an awakening. I do some loud TV-blasting, stomping of my already-heavy feet, horrible singing…which all leads to negotiation when she finally does gather her bearings.

“I want to wear a princess dress. I want to wear a Batman shirt. I want to take my Lego toy to school. I want to watch the Lego movie. Other impossible things to do over the next 20 minutes.”

When I finally get her dressed? “5 more minutes, go away!”

The kid has no concept of time, so 5 minutes = the full length of a Nickelodeon show. Or 22 minutes. Steve can’t figure out Blue’s Clues quick enough. I’d solve it in the first guess, but noooo. We need 22 minutes which I can’t spare.

So to get all this done by 7:15AM? I did it. I was relieved. I win Thursday.

Rise and shine, yah sleepy head!!

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The Ranmans Have an Elf Problem

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Well Baby Rangirl, your mother continues to force Christmas cheer down your throat. I’m okay with that. Not a fan of lying to you re: the whole Santa thing, but a posable elf has made his (should be a female but you refer to it as a dude) way into our lives.

Allegedly he needs to be routinely on some shelf. But your mother got you so into the movie Elf that your new pal is a partner in crime this Christmas due to your affinity towards elf lore. You even ask daily for an elf costume.

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Here you are watching Elf, with an elf.

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It’s cute seeing you wake up every morning looking for the elf as per Elf-on-the-shelf protocol. I do worry come December 25th what you’ll do without this thing. Rules indicate that this elf is off to Santa to report his findings post-stalking you for the previous 24 days. We’ve been doing a great job setting you up for your first heartbreak.

Look it at. Not creepy at all with its beady eyes.

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Your Mom Wants Another…

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…kid, sooner than later. After all, she had this article printed as I hover closer to 34 years further from birth.

http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2014/mar/24/older-dads-kids-fertility-debate-ugly-men-children

…someone born to a father of 22 is already 5%-10% more attractive than a 40-year-old father and the difference grows with the age gap

Well. Pack your bags and leave for the weekend, Baby Rangirl. Mommy and Daddy need to um, go buy a brother/sister for you right away to ensure they’re not a mongrel.

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