Fist Fight

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I’m not one to get mad. Well not the fist-to-cuffs mad. My biggest issue growing up was that sometimes dinner wasn’t always ready by 6:30. Yup, the Daddy Ranman was as little mean streets as you can get.

So naturally, I was in shock when our daughter swiped at me like our pet cat. Except, I can toss the cat and guarantee she’ll likely be fine. When Baby Rangirl swiped at me, I felt that proud feeling parents must get when their child says their first words.

I have a battle scar because our daughter get riled up when fools get out of line. Although, I was the one totally in line. But who talks back to the person whose pimp hand is this strong? Ouch. I feel like I owe her money or something after that swipe.

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A First of Little Firsts

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During a recent bath time we witnessed what will probably be one of few “firsts” experienced with our little girl. Since she’s been going to the babysitter during our parental absence to put food on the table…or milk in the bottle…our daughter will likely be performing all of her first words, crawls, steps, etc. at the the sitter.

Whilst laying a warm washcloth on Baby Rangirl’s tummy she let out what can only be considered the first giggle. It was amazing and cute as heck. You forget that as she gets too big for clothes that there’s still things the little rugrat has yet to do.

Including also her first attempt at trying to breast feed! Well, not really. Technically. The girl made a suckling attempt a mine own teats. Though daddy can’t produce much from his bosom, I appreciate the attempt at a bonding session between father and child.

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Imagine those things gunning for you with full intentions of receiving milk.

Tinklebell

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Let’s take a look at the stats. 2/17/12, 11ish PM. Sorry, I have no use for clocks anymore except for a weekday when I get to leave Mommy Ranman and little Rangirl home for work. Not that I look forward to work, but I I do get to keep track of time again after a weekend of just diaper changing, feedings, and burpings. But back to 2/17 PM, the beginning to my long weekend. By long I mean both vacation and eternal with our newborn daughter.

What happened on 2/17’s evening? My first handful of daughter-to-daddy bonding. No? My metaphors aren’t strong these days? I’m not painting a clear enough picture? Fine. My daughter peed in my hands as I tried to change her. I know, they all say this day would come.

But I’m a dude who hates eating with his hands due to the messiness involved. The mere fact that your hands get sticky and no napkin can get you as clean as soap and water after each bite of a burger after hitting your bare hands. Bleh. So pee-to-hands? I’d rather eat soup with my hands going forward to avoid that feeling again. Bleh.

And to top it off you can now call this new daddy the Fart Catcher. In addition to having my daughter fart in my hands for the first time recently, the darling little angel delivered poop mid-cradle in her diapers as I was trying to calm her down into slumber.

What have I learned? Babies will poop and pee despite your reservations. And it sucks. I have yet to get a good night’s sleep yet and my biggest complaint isn’t my lack of sleep. It’s this tiny bugger’s ability to go to the bathroom without any warning in my arms and hands. Needless to say, “not cool”.

Anyways, what are the top searches on my little blog?

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What??? “I’m a Jets fan like my daddy”???? Since when have I ever said I was a Jets fan?? I want to shut down this blog just to ensure no one can perform such a search like that on my site ever again. Jets fan. My daughter and I will not participate in such witchcraft.

Alright I should end this post now. The daughter is asleep and I really should sleep on demand the minute this poop machine is resting. But it’s hard with Nick Cannon on TV in the background awkwardly performing stand up comedy.

Parenting: Day 1 Completed

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I think I’ll try to post on a schedule going forward. There’s no way I’ll have the time to post daily. Have you experienced how much a baby cries? Let’s stick to a Sunday and Thursday schedule at the minimum, and I’ll post pics and tidbits when I can in between. So check often and tell your friends that just because the schedule changed, it doesn’t mean the show is getting cancelled, like a tv show which gets moved from prime time on Wednesday to 9:00pm of Friday. Never a good sign.

-First off, if I knew 2/9/12 11PM through 2/10/12 4:57AM would be my last chance to sleep like a parentless dude, I’d have made sure to force Mrs. Ranman to take leave downstairs on the couch whilst I slumber like…well like a baby.

-Since Mrs. Ranman labored 25 hours I only had 1 or 2 cat naps in that span. No sleep. I have no clue how Mrs. Ranman found the strength to push a kid out with about the same amount if not less sleep.

-Dude. The hospital is the last place you can expect to catch up on any sleep. I get better naps when I doze off at the wheel after a drunken night on the drive home. Baby Rangirl, if you’re reading this, I am only somewhat of not am never whom whence thusly kidding about not not dozing at the wheel. People are knocking in every 1-3 hours to check up on either the baby or the mommy. A lady came in to give Mrs. Ranman communion, I totally forgot it was Sunday. I got in on that communion too, I guess the lady priestess didn’t realize an Indian-looking guy can love the same God. The one regularly scheduled thing you’d anticipate on coming, which hasn’t on a timed basis, is food! Mrs. Ranman would munch on Dunkin Donuts that I brought for anyone visiting because breakfast came at 9:40AM. As much of a weekend sleeper Mrs. Ranman is, she’d already have breakfast before 9:40 and would be working on her nap at that point.

-Our baby does not seem to like lying down in her hospital bassinet. Or at least not when daddy put her down. I guess I need to work on her landing. When the nurses take her away for blood pressure readings in the nursery I’d pass by to see our little rugrat sound asleep.

-Okay I’ll stop talking about sleep. But who knew so much sleep is lost in the 48 hours since Mrs. Ranman…wait, Mommy Ranman now?…went into labor. I plan on grabbing a solid sleep when I go home to shower as Mommy Ranman’s parents come to visit on Day 2: The Daddy Ranman Babywatch 2012.

-Ignore the sleep issues. I changed 3 diapers already. One was the dreaded brown diaper. It was hell. It was on a baby girl. I had no idea where the butt began and end. I am hoping right now they are changing her again in the nursery so that I don’t fail at this father-thing. When I was changing one of the diapers, Baby Rangirl was crying up a storm but stopped and went to sleep the minute ointment hit her bum.

-The random visitors have certainly been a surprise. For a short hospital stay people will flock for a baby. And why not? Ours is truly cute…I was so worried she’d be one of those babies you learn to love, like a pet dog such as a pug or bulldog.

-Back to sleep for a moment. I know I’m tired. Mrs. Ranman can sleep at any given point because she’s physically tired. Me? I pump a gallon of coffee everyday into me so though I’m just tired from a lack of consecutive sleep hours, I find it super hard to sleep the first second I am baby/visitor/nurse free thanks to my coffee-fueled insomnia.

Here’s our first item to take home from visitors…let’s hope people start volunteering to bring them home for me:

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Quick update to this post: as I was about to post it someone just walked in at 11AM to take away the breakfast m’lady didn’t even eat. That’s 5 different instances of people coming in the room since 8AM. There’s certainly no possibility to recover in a hospital after a birth.

Christmas at Yo’ Momma’s

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Your mother and I are more married than ever from our last Christmas ever without a squealing rugrat ever. No, not because we shared a quiet evening reflecting on our love that led up to the creation of you, sweet baby Ranman. In fact, it was quite action packed as usual in New Hampshire. As usual (pre-you, at least), we head up to the Shire for Christmas Eve by your mother’s cousins to see Santa give out 1 gift for each kid including your mixed cousin…the one that’s half Spanish and half Irish. Oh you should hear the talks baby Rangirl.

Your mother’s family basically all agree you’d look a lot like her, because she’s the product of a mixed couple. I don’t have the heart nor confidence that you may not actually look anything like her. Spanish is probably the darkest race they see out there in the Shire and I must have spun their world around when I introduced my darker self.

You must have gotten a bit scared in the womb after your first intro to Santa. As is tradition with your mother’s family your mom sat on Santa’s lap to receive her gift of scratch cards, and Santa made mommy ring his loud sleigh bells at her tummy which surely interrupted your slumber. Hopefully that doesn’t stir your faith in St. Nick, he means well.

You got some presents too even though you can’t fit into anything yet…what with all the amniotic fluid in the way. But trust me, you will not be short of cute outfits this winter season out the womb.

Christmas by your mother’s family ended in lots of food, pet dogs, and loud kids. You’ll love it because it prepares you for the following day’s festivities by my family with even louder pets…I mean dark grandpa and his one man show with all the consumed booze.

Christmas ended home on 12/26 with what mommy and I call “Kishmas”. A private exchange of gifts amongst us and the cat, a tradition you’ll share in too next year.

A recap:

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A.J. going at her treats:

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She managed to get 1 treat after intense biting:

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Mommy on the right with your aunt playing pool pictured below. We went to a bar to catch the Giants vs. Jets game since the local stations weren’t carrying it. You must understand future Offsprings, daddy works with a bunch of Jets-fan-douchebags that drive him to need to watch the Giants even more so that he can gloat over each win the following day. Your grandparents accommodated daddy even though we were in the middle of celebrating Christmas by hitting the bar. Clearly they want a happy son-in-law.

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What’s more better than football during the holidays? A Giants’ win and hope to still make the playoffs. Merry Christmas to all!!

Oh right…why are we officially married now? Well, Mrs. Ranman unfortunately inhaled my passed gas for the first time on record whilst at the hotel. I tried to mask the odor for the past 5 years, but after so many trips to a hotel with only one bathroom- it was inevitable. Sigh.

Sympathy Weight

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I am not certain a man gains weight because his wife/partner is packing on the pounds. Mrs. Ranman is all about these random cravings nowadays that come as quickly as they go.

She had the craving for Olive Garden salad one day so off we went. When we encountered a 60 minute wait due to Father’s Day we settled for Applebee’s salad and mozzarella sticks as per the Mrs.’ craving.

And as soon as the sticks arrived- she wanted nothing to do with food at all. So there I was, tasked with eating the food so as not to waste any money. We took home what we could from the rest of our meal, but I had to devour what I could to get the nauseating smells away from M’lady.

So yes, I will gain weight. But the kind that fears for wasting money. Sympathy on my wallet really.

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